Most Men are Not Marriageable

Christian women routinely ask, "Where are all the good men?" Most of the men they date are still boys not men and by all standards of basic maturity and godliness not marriageable material. The best women will keep their standards high.

Everyone who is single and dating has an unconscious mental check list of the criteria they are looking for in a potential future spouse. Rarely are these mental lists informed by godly or psychologically wise criteria. Most men choose women narrowly based on looks. No surprise here. Not to be outdone, most women look for five criteria: power, status, athleticism, looks, and money (PSALM). Women also tend to marry men who are older, taller, and make more money than they do. Dating in this world is a performative theater to display these high value criteria that are generally associated with alpha males. This theater when played in Christian contexts is heavily influenced by Hallmark rom-com movies that promote the myth of finding a soulmate. Seemingly an improvement over the casual sex of the hook-up culture, this chemistry frame is the darling of Nicholas Sparks, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Hollywood. Here marriage is understood through the lens of expressive individualism, finding a personal connection among authentic subjective feelings. Ironically, marriages based on following a soulmate model are twice as likely to divorce than other approaches. The long shadow of Hallmark movies hangs over most Christian dating and thoroughly distorts the criteria men and women use in finding a suitable marriage partner.

This list and the dating rituals that stems from them are hardly adequate for finding a lasting marriage partner. For starters, it completely discounts the significance of a person's spiritual dynamic, which is at the heart of their personhood. Moreover, rather than making a criterion for others to meet, it is far better to aim at becoming a man worthy of marriage. Flip the script. Rather than evaluating women, start by evaluating yourself. Am I marriageable material?

My book, Aspirational Masculinity, considers marriage as an essential catalyst in developing into a godly man. With this in view, the book explores ten measures of your marriageability—ten conscious areas where you should be working to become worthy of marriage. They will be highlighted briefly here with a fuller description in the book, which can be ordered at https://store.standrewsalmanor.org/products/aspirational-masculinity/.

Here are ten criteria for becoming a marriageable man—that is a high worth man in the eyes of God and women.

1.        Practicing the Way: Are you becoming an active apprentice of Jesus, learning from him how to be like and love like him? This means far more than being "spiritual" or a Christian or church goer. It means that your fundamental life purpose aims to be transformed by Jesus to become like Jesus.

2.        Facing Familial Wounds: Have you dealt with your relationship with your family of origin? A marriage is not between two people but between two family systems. Our family system is the source of many of our deepest and most impactful psychological wounds. These are wounds that are passed down through multiple generations. You are not ready for marriage until you have come to terms with these wounds by identifying them and rectifying them when possible. Very few people come from healthy family systems, so that wounds from familial dysfunctions are common and crippling to a future marriage unless they are faced and dealt with.

3.        Sense of Self: Do you have a secure sense of your own identity? Do you know who you are as a man in Christ? If you don't you will inevitably bend toward your love interest, compromise your principles, and make her an idol. Few men have a secure sense of who they are as men. Few even know how a secure identity is formed. Entering a marriage without a secure sense of male identity will mean that you cannot be the leader of your family but will instead develop some dynamics of co-dependency on your love interest. There is prior work to be done before you are ready for a marital relationship.

4.        Personal Maturity: Are you prepared to take on the responsibilities of being an adult? If you are still living life as if you are in a fraternity, if you are still dependent on your parents, you are not ready to launch. A man is no longer a boy but a mature adult exhibiting independence, drive, and discipline. A quick unexpected pursual of your living quarters, refrigerator, and checkbook will answer this question. Today's world of men celebrates delayed adolescence. This makes you unmarriageable. In short, stop playing video games in your parent's basement.

5.        Developing Character: Are you living your life according to transcendent virtues such as honesty, integrity, truth, and excellence? When your wishes are challenged and your integrity is put under pressure is your behavior consistent and honorable? Are you the kind of person others can count on? Little things like showing up at work on time, not taking short cuts at work, and not sleeping with your girlfriend are measures of your character. Among evangelicals in their first marriage, 53% reported having cohabited prior to marrying. In 2019, 58% of white evangelicals agreed that cohabitation is acceptable if the couple plans to marry. These same people by this same percentage are not marriageable. Cohabitation increases the likelihood of divorce by 30%. If you are prepared to gamble with divorce prior to marriage, you are not ready for marriage.

6.        Finding Emotional Intelligence: Are you prioritizing the development of emotional intelligence, such as the ability to manage your emotions, become more self-aware, and be more other-centered? Being short tempers and being low in empathy makes you a liability for marriage. Marriage is the case study in demonstrating emotionally healthy relational skills. If you don't have them, you are not ready for marriage.

7.        Leveling Up with Friends: Do your five best friends collectively reflect your deepest aspirational values thereby enabling you to level up? The quickest way to see the contours of your heart is to observe the behaviors of your five best friend’s overtime. Is your crew making you a better or worse person? Second to your family of origin in personal influence are your close friends. How would your close friends do in meeting these ten criteria for marriage?

8.        Your Mystical Calling: Do you have a sense of your God-given calling? Do you know how you want to use your gifts and resources in life for the good of others? Does your calling have sufficient boundaries and definition to govern your life choices as to the nature of your work, the location of your work, and who you will partner with in life? If you haven't figured this out before marriage, you have no idea who to marry and are thus not ready for marriage.

9.        Your Livelihood: Do you know how you will make a sustainable living and have demonstrated the ability to do so? Are you a good steward of your time, talent, and treasure? Have you addressed your student debt? Do you have a good track record of keeping a job, succeeding in a job, and making a living at a job? Do you even have a job? Our economy is changing in ways that make this harder to answer well. This makes the answer to this question considering the gig economy and advent of AI even more important as you think about marriage. It is not enough to have plans for work. What is needed is a consistent pattern of work. Without it, you are not marriageable.

10.  Finding Contentment: Are you content in your singleness? If you are desperate to get married, you will make bad choices in marriage. Unless you have kept marriage from becoming an idol in your life, you are not ready for marriage.

There are few emotional traumas worse in life than divorce. Forty percent of marriages end in divorce. If you gamble in your relationships by not taking seriously these ten criteria, you will be added to this statistic. Divorce is not inevitable. But first you must focus on making yourself the kind of man who is worthy of marriage. For many of us there is ongoing work to be done before we will be ready. To aim at becoming such a man will make you the best version of yourself. Whether you are in a relationship or want a relationship, this road map for self-improvement will make you happier, more successful, godlier, and, yes, attractive to women. Such is the aim of aspirational masculinity.